b a l a n c e .

 

Hello again… I’ve had another decent break since my last post — I guess I’m slacking on the writing front lately!  No news is good news;)  But really, life is going well.  Between the preschool run a couple of times a week, MOPS twice a month, hanging with friends, and just doing the usual stuff around the house … time flies.  Summer feels right around the corner; we’ve used our AC a handful of times already (mind you, my husband is Irish so his tolerance for heat is quite low;)

 

With a two and four year old, peaceful moments are still somewhat rare, but it already seems a lot calmer than the one and three combo.  I’m realizing that I have more moments to myself than I did six months ago.  And with great power more quiet moments comes great responsibility;)

 

And that’s where I’m being challenged lately.  Finding that very desirable yet ever elusive concept: balance.  A balance between time to myself and time being silly with my kiddos; between exercising even when I don’t feel like it or choosing to rest; between having a clean house and a house that looks like people actually live here; between putting others in my family first or being honest with my husband when I need some time to myself; between saying yes and saying no.  Little things like that.  But it’s the balance of all of these things put together that forms every minute of my day — which can either leave me frustrated or at peace, wanting more time or feeling accomplished, knowing I’ve done my best versus the conviction that I can do more.  Any other mamas with me here?!

 

And then, of course, there’s the balance between being content while still having a longing in my heart — a hope that I am determined to keep alive — that someday, by His grace and in His perfect timing, my season of loss will end.  That I’ll hold a baby of my own in my arms and no longer need to retreat to a quiet place every now and then so I can cry over this ache in my heart.  That someday I will say, it was worth the wait.  Is it wrong to pray that will come?  Or do I pray that the desires of my heart will change?  That God will supernaturally take this longing away?

 

I’m quite certain that while many of my questions in life are valid, some I may never find the answer to this side of heaven.  And I need to learn to be okay with that.

 

…………………….

 

Here I am, back to typing.  This this post titled “balance” has been sitting unpublished on my computer for two weeks.  My two year old is playing peek-a-boo behind me now, laughing one of those belly laughs that you can’t help but laugh at yourself.

 

I’m not sure why I didn’t publish this post sooner — maybe a part of me is wondering, what’s the point?  Does anyone really care about these thoughts I have??!  Maybe not.  But when I first started this blog, I was going through my second miscarriage and writing seemed to be a real source of comfort to me.  And I told myself that some blog posts would be just for me and not for anyone else’s purpose — though selfishly I hope I don’t bore ALL of you:)

 

I doubt I will ever find the perfect balance and I’m not sure that should be my goal anyway.  Basically, I just wanted to check in for those of you who read to say I’m still here.  I enjoy writing.  I enjoy getting my thoughts out.  Each word and every sentence that I type … and maybe delete … and then type differently… it’s a process that helps me find myself.

 

The skill of balancing timing is one I can definitely improve upon — I need to run now and make deviled eggs for my last MOPS meeting, while simultaneously getting the kids and myself fed and dressed in the next twenty minutes — oh dear;)

 

To all of you who follow along here, thank you for reading.  In this period of life when I have so many questions and feelings and moments when I fear I am coming up short — it helps to write.  Thanks for listening.