when my heart is overwhelmed.

my sweet husband found a way to make me laugh before I went into the surgery room yesterday

 

This week, I lost my fifth baby.  My heart shattered into a thousand pieces when my doctor started talking about when a D&C would be scheduled.  Would Thursday work?  My mind was spinning.

 

It all happened so fast.  I felt like I was having an out of body experience — did he really just say that?  D&C?!?!  No, no, no.  Please God, no.  Not again, not this one.  I was so sure this one would be mine to hold.  I was so full of hope, there was so much love in my heart already.  Please, come back baby.  Please come back.

 

Deep down, I knew something was off during our ultrasound.  The room was dark and his eyes were glued to the screen with a look of concern.  It was too long.  He didn’t immediately say, “everything looks good!” like last time.  Why wasn’t he saying anything?  Why is he just staring??  When he told me I could meet him in the other room to discuss things, I could already feel the tears welling up.  Something was wrong.

 

I screamed when I walked out of the hospital entrance.  I must have looked crazy but honestly, I couldn’t help it.  Niall and I held hands and cried on the drive home.  We were hoping it would be a quick, painless appointment.  Maybe we could even grab a quick breakfast date on the way home at our favorite spot?  It was going to be a good day.

 

But now, we were both in tears, confused and broken.

 

I have learned in all of this that it is necessary (and inevitable) that I break down and cry whenever I need to.  I have learned that my husband is the most amazing life partner and I can’t imagine walking through this season without him.  I have learned that my children are precious and their lives are miraculous and fragile and I am so privileged to be their mom.  I have learned it’s okay to be angry with God, to ask Him questions, to feel forgotten and unseen.  I have also learned that I have to show up.  That the grocery shopping still needs to be done, that diaper changes still have to happen, that life goes on.  That it is still possible for me to laugh in the midst of such deep sorrow.  That I am still able to find joy in a hot cup of coffee or my daughter twirling in her princess dress.  That I have the most amazing friends who bring me dinners and allow me to grieve.  Oh, how grateful I am.  How rich my life is.

 

If anyone reading this has experienced this pain, this longing — my heart is with you.  I am crying with you and for you.  I am praying for you.  And if you have not experienced this, but maybe you have a friend who has, reach out.  Even if you don’t know what to say.  You have no idea how much a simple text or a handwritten letter can help heal the human heart.  We need each other in this life, on these hard days, when the loneliness of our heartache seems more than we can bear.

 

Time — sometimes we want it to stand still.  Sometimes we want to go back — to a simpler time, when this knowledge of pain and sorrow didn’t exist.  But every time, it is the days passing that allows my feet to feel firm again, to know I can stand without crumbling.  To be truly happy for a friend or stranger who is expecting a new baby rather than bitter or jealous.  To be able to fall asleep at night without a tear-stained face.  It takes time.  But I believe it will come.  Nevertheless, my mama heart will be missing my babies who I loved and carried for only a short while, for the rest of my life.  I promise my loves, not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.  Until we meet again, your mama will love you forever.

 

From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

when my heart is overwhelmed;

Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

ISAIAH 61:2

happy (almost) new year + a new way to make resolutions.

 

Happy almost New Year, friends:)

 

Every time I start decorating the house for Christmas, I think ‘oh, how sad it will be when we have to take everything down!’ — but then, Christmas comes and goes, and putting everything away actually feels really good. Call me scrooge, but this year I had everything packed away in boxes (including tree out of the house and pine needles vacuumed up) by noon on the 26th! I am looking forward to a fresh start; 2018 felt like a very formative year for my family, and I am so grateful for all of the ways in which we have grown. With that said, I’m SO happy we can start off the 2019 year being totally settled in instead of unpacking boxes!

 

I thought I’d share with you a fun way my friend and I make ‘resolutions’ each year. We take turns picking a new goal at the start of each month — and then keep each other accountable on how things are going. We’ve had some great victories — and some massive fails, haha. The point is, each month is new and it feels good to set our sights on something that will improve our lives or those around us. And having an accountability buddy just makes it fun:)

 

Some of my favorites from 2018 — March: pick ten special people in your life and send them a hand written letter. June: sleep with phone downstairs and don’t look at it first thing in the morning (this one stuck with me — I still leave it downstairs!). October: pray over my daughter each night at her bedside before I go to bed. And, a couple that I didn’t do so great at — April: no sugar or alcohol during the week (haha! We both tanked at this goal). July: pick four BIG house cleaning jobs and get ’em done (I think I only did two in the end).

 

Anyway, you get the point:) Having one big goal for the whole year is great too, but switching it up month to month makes it seem less daunting — and having a buddy by your side (or in my case, 2,500 miles away — thank you technology!) will help motivate you.

 

Also, shout out to my husband — seven years ago today we tied the knot and I still can’t believe I get to be your wife. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!