Showing all posts in THOUGHTS

Today, I went to the midwife and birth center for an appointment with a doctor.  Not a midwife — a doctor.  Because unfortunately, I wasn’t going for a regular checkup or an ultrasound.  I was going to talk to someone about why my body hasn’t been able to keep my baby the last three times I’ve been pregnant.

 

I know what it’s like to sit in that waiting room.  Pregnant ladies with round bellies keep walking by, and you can’t take your eyes off of the ‘welcome’ bulletin board with all of the little newborn faces pinned to it along with thank you notes and cheery birth announcements.  My baby could have been up there this month, I thought.  I know the feeling of pretending to look through your phone, all the while tilting your head back a little to help stop the tears escaping from the corners of your eyes.

 

Yep, I’ve been there.

 

I know the feeling of literally whispering, pull it together, Erin! under my breath because I can just sense the doctor is going to call my name soon.  Stop complaining.  Don’t be sad.  You have two kids at home, you should be grateful.

 

I know.  I know.

 

You know something the doctor said to me while I cried this morning?  She said, life sucks.  I really appreciated that.   I said, Yea. It does.  I kept trying to compose myself — and sometimes, I was composed.  But other times, like when she kept saying, It’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault.  IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.  I just cried like a baby.

 

I know the feeling of suddenly questioning EVERYTHING you did during the weeks when there was still a baby, alive and growing.  Was it my second cup of coffee?  Dang, why did I drink that second cup of coffee?!?  Or maybe it was that tough workout I did that one weekend.  I started bleeding a few days later… gosh, maybe that was it.  I forgot to take my prenatal pills a few times.  I should never have been so careless!  

 

No, no, no.  It’s not your fault.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I wish it was my fault.  Because that means I could fix something.  I wouldn’t have to pray so hard, to trust God, to remain calm in the face of the unknown.  I could just have this ‘eureka!’ moment, change whatever I was doing wrong, and continue living life without any hiccups.

 

I really pray that five, maybe ten years from now, I’ll be able to comfort someone, to say ‘it’s not your fault’, to let them cry with me.  I don’t want to waste my sorrows.  I want to use them to grow stronger, to feel God’s supernatural peace, to love my children more deeply.

 

I’m a work in progress, for sure.  I have a long way to go.  Yes, some days I feel weary.  But I’ve got some fight in me.  I’m not done praying for my future children, for hoping for them, for longing to see their faces and kiss their tiny cheeks.  I also know in the midst of these desires, I need to pray for a heart that is grateful and content.  I don’t want to miss what’s right in front of me: a daughter, a son, a husband who I love so much.  It’s when I say prayers of thanks that I realize how truly rich I am.

 

As I type this, I have a sink full of dishes, a three year old who needs my attention, and a baby napping upstairs.  Time to stop rambling.  Time to live my life.

 

I am rich, indeed.

 

My adventure in Ireland began when I was twenty (over ten years ago … oh my gosh I’m getting old).  It was a six month long au pair job; I worked for a family with three children living on a dairy farm in Bruff, a little country town in Co. Limerick.  It was the best experience of my life (I’ll have to write more about that another time!).  I’ll never forget the moment I said to myself, Okay. I’m doing this!  Looking back, it’s kind of crazy what a pivotal decision that was.  It sounds so cliché to say I learned a lot about myself, but I really did.  I also met my future husband which is kind of a big deal too.  ; )  So, needless to say, when our flight took off from Dublin last September, leaving our little island behind and heading towards our new home, it felt like a huge chapter of my life was closing and that was hard for me.  Niall’s family all live in Ireland so it’s not like we’ll never be back — but the fact remains it’s not our home anymore — and with limited American vacation time, we’ll be lucky if we get to visit once a year.

 

 

I’ve done my fair share of reminiscing since leaving, as I’m a pretty sentimental person — not always a good thing when you’re going through some monumental changes!  We left a life we loved for something we knew was meant to be; even though we’ve never questioned our decision, I think a part of my heart will always be in Ireland.  So, I wanted to do a little ‘ode to Éire’ and share a few things I’ve been missing most.

 

 

1.  I feel like I have to say the people first, even though it’s a given!  We loved our dear friends, and my in-laws were two and a half hours away in Co. Kildare.  It was comforting to know we could hop in the car and be there if we wanted to.  Oh, how we miss our lazy weekends with Nana and Grandad and Auntie Avril!  *sniff sniff*
2. The accents.  Particularly the Southern accent (sorry Belfast) — a lot of people don’t know this but in Ireland you could drive a half hour down the road and the accent may sound different.  Seriously!  There are so many different dialects.
3. When the sun comes out in Ireland (yes, it does happen a few times a year) it’s the most beautiful place on earth.  You haven’t seen green until you’ve been to the Emerald Isle.  If you’ve taken a trip and it was sunny the whole time, just know you got EXTREMELY lucky!
4. Certain foods … I never thought I’d say that.  But the dairy, meat, eggs … certain things were local and fresh.  I’ve been known to stuff my face with a fast food burger here but most of the time I prefer to know where my food is coming from.
5. Sourdough bread from Oliver’s.  I used to buy one almost every week from a little deli/coffee spot that I could walk to from our house.  That bread, toasted with avocado and a couple of runny eggs … oh my goodness.  I miss it so much.  Europeans do bread so much better than Americans.  If you’re a local reading this, do yourself a favor and buy a loaf along with a lovely flat white.
6. It was pretty cool living in a place with so much history.  Going to a museum or visiting certain landmarks was so impressive.  We’re talking about going back thousands of years!  It really puts into perspective what a new country America is in comparison.  On our first date, Niall took me to Craggaunowen, a 16th century castle.  No big deal.
7. I really love ‘autumn‘ as they say there, and the time coming into the Christmas season.  Lights are up everywhere, the Christmas Market starts at City Hall, and friends are cozying up with cappuccinos to catch up in the midst of the holiday hustle and bustle.  Everything is festive and it’s COLD — which usually immediately puts me in a bad mood — but this time of year something about it is just cozy and nice.  Bundling up by an open fire with a hot whiskey or a cuppa tea … ahhh nothing beats that!
8. Coffee; Europeans also do coffee better than Americans.  Specifically, hipster coffee shops — Belfast does these well.  I am not a hipster and the thought of my husband in skinny jeans makes me laugh.  But, I must confess, I have a weak spot for other men in skinny jeans serving me coffee.  No, not a weak spot for the actual man.  Just the coffee.  : )  General Merchant’s was our favorite breakfast/coffee date spot — Niall and I had to stop following them on Instagram because it just made us sad!  Please order a flat white and a ‘breakfast manwich’ for me if you’re ever there.  : )
9. Ireland’s close proximity to Europe!  Taking a trip to the Italian coast in the summer, cycling along the canals of Amsterdam, sipping espresso in Paris, experiencing the magic of Prague’s Christmas markets, basking in the grandeur of the Alps … I could go on but you get the picture.  Finding a flight could be inexpensive and easy.  And it was usually only a couple of hours before you were immersed in a completely different culture & climate.  Amazing!  Of course, once we had kids these impromptu holidays didn’t happen so often … something had to give right?!  Ya can’t have it all.  ; )
10. Last but not least, the architecture.  Derelict castles, fortresses, churches, houses … they are everywhere.  Some have been done up for tourism purposes, but my favorites were those you just happened to stumble upon; sitting on the side of a road, silent and majestic.  I could never see one without wondering about all the stories this place must have to tell.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, I’ll stop there.  I’ve considered making a list of things I don’t miss too (just to make things interesting), but we’ll save that for another time.  : )