” Because I feel that, in the heavens above
The angels, whispering to one another,
Can find, among their burning terms of love,
None so devotional as that of ‘mother.’ ”
Edgar Allen Poe
Motherhood has a funny way of humbling me. There were a few weeks recently where I really felt like I was doing everything right. It was smooth sailing– healthy snacks were eaten, the TV was rarely on, nap times actually happened when they were supposed to and amidst caring for a one and three year old, I even got a few moments to myself. The days seemed to flow with ease. I was really chuffed with myself and figured it must be because I’m such an awesome mom. Ha.
Then this past week happened… I’m not sure where my angelic three year old went but I really missed her. I found myself in near tears a few times and marveled at how such little people can drive a grown, mature adult like myself to such a state of frustration. And where did super mom go?! I was so discouraged at the end of some days.
By Friday afternoon, I was so anxious for my husband to get home from work so that I could just check that horrible week off the list. At around 4 pm, we were all a little stir crazy so I loaded the kids into the double stroller and went for a walk. I took the long way around to the park, inhaling and exhaling deep breaths of fresh air while the kids’ heads bopped around under my nose. It was one of those perfect ‘winter’ days here in Georgia that I had heard about and looked forward to before moving– crisp air, not too cold, sun shining. When we got there, my hard, bitter shell cracked and then just sort of fell away piece by piece. We all laughed, we went on the big swing together, and I rode the ‘scary’ slide with my daughter while my one year old put dirt in his mouth. I never looked at my phone and when Méabh yelled ‘watch me mom!!’ I was really watching. We all smiled walking home.
‘Give yourself some grace.’ ‘Whatever gets you through the day.’ ‘Pour yourself a glass of red and take a bath!’
There’s a time and a place for phrases like these and I’m not saying I’ve never held onto them on some of my discouraging mom days. But I don’t want to live through these years with young ones just ‘getting through the day’. There has to be more than that, right?
Tomorrow Niall goes back to work for another ten hour day; and so the countdown to Friday begins again, right? Maybe. But hopefully not. Last week, in moments of feeling truly sad that my ‘skills’ as a mom weren’t measuring up to my expectations, a thought I wasn’t a huge fan of but couldn’t ignore kept coming back to me– what about me can I change? How is my behavior affecting my children? Stop checking my phone so much. Maybe don’t have multiple WhatsApp conversations happening with friends and family from California all the way to Ireland and expect to pay attention to the little faces right in front of me at the same time. Be more intentional; wake up earlier and say a prayer instead of letting my one year old act as my alarm clock. Go outside. Let my three year old be creative and paint and don’t grumble at having to clean up after her when she’s done. Say a prayer of thanks that my kids are ALIVE.
Motherhood is a privilege. And I’m learning (slowly) that every day His mercies are new and I am in control of my simple yet powerful actions, words, and attitude. I’m pretty certain all of us mamas can agree we want to be the best for our kiddos, and I’m pretty sure we can all admit we have failed and that is totally okay. Give yourself some grace : ) But let’s also never stop striving to be more grateful, more intentional, and more present in a world that so often devalues and underestimates our influence.
Last week wasn’t great and I’ll most likely come up short in some way or another at the end of this week too– that’s inevitable. But when my head hits the pillow at the end of each day, I’ll feel far more content knowing I served my family the best I could. Mamas, are ya with me?! We’re all in this together : )
x
Erin
